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Post by jokester on Mar 7, 2011 16:02:10 GMT
Who knows whether use of wings is allowed or not? Certainly, Xylia's wings are not currently present, but whether that is for reasons of divine providence, universal laws, or her own ineptitude, few people if anyone can say right now.
Talhoffer produces his tracer and activates it. It flickers, the image present but not clear, and periodically obscured by snowstormy static. Clearly, this thing isn't designed to go through as much as Talhoffer and his bag have recently gone through. Nevertheless, he manages to get his torpedo engine pointed at roughly where the ship seems to be, and activates it.
Nothing happens. Talhoffer kicks the thing experimentally.
The torpedo engine suddenly explodes into life with such ferocity it actually takes off. To be fair, Talhoffer should probably have been warned by the logo on said engine, which clearly states 'Acme Torpedo Engine' beneath an image of a coyote riding a torpedo like a bucking bronco.
And, true to the company reputation, the engine lifts Talhoffer into the air and then malfunctions and cuts out just as he's over the ship.
Really quite far over the ship.
With the grace of a greased bull elephant, Talhoffer plummets downwards.
He lands, with much cries of discomfort from both parties, on top of the legless thing.
Oh, yeah, and that tentacle around Xylia's leg is apparently trying to suck her blood. It's failing - fairies don't actually have what we would understand as blood, but it's certainly pretty uncomfortable.
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Post by Snowfire on Mar 7, 2011 16:17:44 GMT
I wince and then bring my sword carefully down on the tentacle, cutting through it and moving quickly away. I trace the air in front of me in a strange pattern, pulling several illusions into being around the creatures currently on deck. Ropes snap into existence around the pieces of tentacle I have cut through, binding them to the deck of the ship as more grab the legless creature and pull it down under Talhoffer. And a web of light shimmers into being around the tentacle-thing, pulling it away from the pirate - who has inexplicably become frictionless.
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Post by jokester on Mar 7, 2011 16:31:53 GMT
The pieces of tentacle remain hooked on Xylia's skin when she cuts it in two. Upon binding them to the deck, of course, she drags herself down too.
The pirate with the tentacley thing on his back roars in pain as a net tries to drag away the creature whose teeth are locked into his flesh. He also, being frictionless, slides across the deck, bounces off the rails and starts pinballing around, knocking over pretty-much everyone else in the area.
The thing under Talhoffer places its palms against the deck and strains against the ropes. Xylia's concentration being divided as it is between maintaining three illusions and trying to stand up, the ropes binding it prove to be not that strong at start to fray and snap - they look like they'll last another few seconds at most.
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Post by Snowfire on Mar 7, 2011 16:45:29 GMT
I let go of the binding on the tentacle wrapped around me, instead using my sword as leverage to push it off of me, expanding my illusions as I do so. My concentration reforms on the legless thing, pulling it further down towards the deck as the net around the tentacle thing worms its way into the thing's mouths and starts cutting off its teeth.
"Someone kill that damn thing before it gets free!" I yell, indicating the legless creature.
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Post by Professor H. Talhoffer on Mar 7, 2011 16:53:42 GMT
I would like dearly to protest the appalling abuse of physics to which I have just been subjected. However, as it seems to have worked in my favour, I shall let this brutal rape of aerodynamics slide...
I stand, turn my sword point down, and plunge it repeatedly into every vital looking organ I can see on the thing beneath me.
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Post by Snowfire on Mar 7, 2011 17:00:39 GMT
And once again, realism shows its complete willingness to service amusement and usefulness like a two bit harlot....
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Post by Professor H. Talhoffer on Mar 7, 2011 17:02:21 GMT
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Post by jokester on Mar 7, 2011 17:15:43 GMT
Actually, that was totally within the laws of physics. An educational aside: The Physics of Diversity
By Newton the Eyesack, PhD MSci MMC
My experiments into the laws of physics as we understand them have yielded multiple theories, however one particular hypothesis has proven to comply the most with experimental evidence and Occam's Razor. This theory, which I have dubbed 'The Hierarchy Hypothesis' demonstrates a clear hierarchy of physical laws which take absolute predominance over all those below their own given point in the hierarchy.
The hierarchy begins, at the top spot, with the Law of Comedic Stimulus, or "Rule of Funny" in the terms of a layman. Turn to chapter two for more on this. The second spot on the hierarchy appears to go to the Law of Aesthetic Impression, or "Rule of Cool" (see chapter 3). Beneath that... Well, you get the idea. Anyway, The tentacle squelches as its mouths are torn out by the force of Xylia's illusions and weapon prising it off. The mouths remain stuck in her legs, but they aren't sucking any more so she can remove them at her leisure later. The legless thing squeals with each successive stab, and eventually remains still. Talhoffer stands back to review his work proudly, and is promptly bowled over by the sliding Mariner. The thing on the back of the Mariner enters into an epic battle with the net, each trying to chew apart the other. The Mariner manges to flip himself onto his back, landing on the thing - which does have friction, thus tethering him in place and stopping his sliding. Finally, the thing lets go and slides out from beneath him, struggling free of its net. And then the Mariner's stray crossbow bolt from earlier falls from the sky and impales it, pinning it to the deck. It's still alive, but it's not too happy right now, and it can't move very easily. |
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Post by Professor H. Talhoffer on Mar 7, 2011 17:22:40 GMT
Ah, but have you not seen my paper on the Comedic Theory of Relativity? It states that, as humour is based on the views of an observer, 'Rule of Funny' cannot apply universally, since what is funny to one may not be for another. Thus, the precedence of humour is diminished. The General Theory of Relativity applies to both this and the 'Rule of Cool' for similar reasons. Relative Cool may be measured, but Definitive Cool may not.
Anyway, I'm going to help the mariner out a bit. I think he could do with a couple of drops of Dr. Velkrin Roe's Frictional Enhancement Formula. VelkRoe Potion, as we in the business call it.
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Post by jokester on Mar 7, 2011 18:11:42 GMT
Your hypothesis relies on the prerequisite that the universe is not run by some sort of impartial observer with his or her own agenda with regards to what is and is not funny or cool. Which implies you have no beliefs in any sort of higher power, in which case, why exactly are you currently talking to an omnipotent voice in your head, Professor Talhoffer?
The Mariner stands, slowly, produces his crossbow again, moves to the thing pinned to the deck and shoots it again.
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Post by Professor H. Talhoffer on Mar 7, 2011 19:18:52 GMT
Ah, touché.
So... Is that it?
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Post by jokester on Mar 7, 2011 19:36:12 GMT
...well, the deck's in need of cleaning and there are a lot of people who probably want to know what the heck is going on, and you still haven't finished modifying the ship, but otherwise, yes, that's...
...oh, no, wait, the tentacley thing's still moving...
...no, no. The Mariner just shot it again.
Yes, that seems to be mostly it.
The Mariner returns to his usual spot at the railing without a word.
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Post by Snowfire on Mar 7, 2011 21:49:16 GMT
I crouch down and examine the teeth sunk into my leg, dropping my sword back into bracelet form and sighing heavily. Then I make my way over to where the pirates are clustered. "Everyone all right?" I ask, before almost falling onto Talhoffer's side. "Cap'n, I'm sorry to say this but I'm totally exhausted. Is there somewhere I can rest for a few hours if everything's ok now?"
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Post by jokester on Mar 7, 2011 21:56:04 GMT
"Err... there be a few empty cabins ablow decks... or the ship's doc if'n ye wants fixed up a bit..."
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Post by Snowfire on Mar 7, 2011 22:32:42 GMT
"Just a quick check to make sure these won't do anything to me?" I ask weakly, gesturing at the teeth in my leg. "Then sleep. Please? And if you could make sure that my compatriots are still ok..."
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Post by jokester on Mar 7, 2011 23:33:06 GMT
The "Ship's doc" has the word 'Sawbones' carved crudely into the door of his cabin. And, sure enough, there is a particularly ominous-looking saw hanging on his wall. And a shelf of unlabelled jars of equally-ominous substances. And a box of leeches. And, looking completely out-of-place, a modern CAT scanner. Just sitting innocently in the corner.
"Vell," says the doctor, who is of course ambiguously Eastern-European. "Ze teeth vill not produce insufferably adverse effects immediately, but zey vill require removal soon if ve do not vish to loose mobility in ze limb."
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Post by Professor H. Talhoffer on Mar 8, 2011 4:43:39 GMT
Right. Sod this, I'm going to add these keels from inside the ship... Somehow.
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Post by jokester on Mar 8, 2011 9:06:21 GMT
Very well.
The Somalian shows Talhoffer to the cabin that occupies the space on the other side of the hull from where Talhoffer was hanging and indicates the inside wall.
"Now what?" he asks in a deep, accented voice.
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Post by Professor H. Talhoffer on Mar 8, 2011 9:19:17 GMT
I need to seal the room so it's airtight, and I need a barometer and a saw.
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Post by jokester on Mar 8, 2011 11:05:37 GMT
"A saw I can get you. We might have a barometer somewhere; we looted a scientist's vessel not long ago. But I do not have the power to seal a room, nor do I know who does."
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Post by Professor H. Talhoffer on Mar 8, 2011 11:50:29 GMT
What kind of a ship doesn't have a barometer?! Wait, correction, what kind of a still floating ship doesn't have a barometer?!
Hmm... well I've got some sealant but probably not enough. I don't suppose you've got any goose fat have you? Or some blubber? Whale or seal for preference.
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Post by jokester on Mar 8, 2011 12:09:32 GMT
"Don't look at me. I'm a carpenter, not a sailor. There's probably some fat in the hold."
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Post by Snowfire on Mar 8, 2011 12:30:31 GMT
"I can probably do something about them when I get my strength back. Thank you. Can you point me to one of the free cabins? I need to rest."
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Post by jokester on Mar 8, 2011 12:37:06 GMT
The doctor shows Xylia to a nearby cabin and leaves her asleep in a hammock. After a brief moment's thought, he returns and opens a music box set on a nearby barrel, which proceeds to play a soothing twinkly version of the melody 'There' No Place Like Home'. For "medical recuperation purposes".
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Post by Professor H. Talhoffer on Mar 8, 2011 12:54:23 GMT
Ok, can you get someone to have a look? And there will be a barometer, go find it please.
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Post by jokester on Mar 8, 2011 16:17:24 GMT
The Somalian doesn't actually raise an eyebrow, he just twitches a muscle in his eyebrow's vicinity. Nevertheless, he heads off to locate the requested items.
Once he's gone, Hod Carrier steps nimbly out of the shadows in the corridor, enters the cabin and closes the door behind himself, just as Tink flits in and alights on his shoulder.
"Scuse me, mista, uh, Talhoffa aint it? I'm sorry, I haven't had a chance to get ta know ya poysonally, but I was wondering if ya wouldn't mind sharing - have you any idea what the hell is going on here?"
For reference, Xylia is still asleep.
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Post by Professor H. Talhoffer on Mar 8, 2011 16:27:09 GMT
"Not really, so I'm just going to install this keel, and maybe revamp the canons until we get to somewhere more sane. You can give me a hand, if you like, but I'd try not to think about what's been happening. Insanity isn't fun, I'm told. Except when it is, but then we'd have to kill you..."
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Post by jokester on Mar 8, 2011 16:59:36 GMT
"Ya'd have ta try," Hod corrects absent-mindedly, moving to inspect the wall. "I'll tell ya your foyst problem with trying ta make a keel in here: we seem ta be inside. I mean I aint much of a saila but I'm pretty sure the keel's meant ta be in the water."
Tink tinkles something and he nods distractedly.
"Just where exactly are we headed, anyway? I mean, it seems ta be pretty important since everyone's putting more effort inta getting there than they are into finding out why we were just attacked by hideous moiderous creatures from nowhere."
Xylia, incidentally, is still asleep.
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Post by Professor H. Talhoffer on Mar 8, 2011 17:11:49 GMT
"Ah, but if I pressurise the room and seal it off, it'll be like a diving bell and the water won't come up. We're headed for Albion, but mainly just because it's both close and dry land. We can deal with hideous creatures once we're there."
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Post by jokester on Mar 8, 2011 21:49:35 GMT
"Huh. I guess that makes sense. And ya should have said. I think I got some spare cans of sealant somewhere."
He grasps a tangled knot on his wrist - Talhoffer notices that his fur is full of such knots - and unravels it with one swift movement.
He disappears, leaving Tink hovering awkwardly in position for half a minute or so. Then he reappears in exactly the same position, but holding a small wooden crate helpfully labelled 'Spare cans of sealant'.
"Ya want me ta apply it?"
Oh, and Xylia? Still asleep.
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