Luckily, neither of you are human.

[Snowfire]

I almost move to support her, but stop myself when I realise that she already has two people and that she might just hurt me over it. She might not, but I'd rather not risk it. "Thank you, Joanna." I move over, looking down at the screen and feeding the address on it into my display before transferring it.

"OK, unless someone has anything more to say?" I ask the mostly silent room.

[jokester]

After a few instants of silence, J.W. Braun speaks up.

"Not at all," she replies. "Castigate them."

"Wait, what?" Rory says, snapping his head around to stare at her. The men on either side of Braun begin tapping on their palms.

"Xylia!" the Doctor cries, jumping onto the board table and swinging his sonic screwdriver - did anyone even see him producing that? - from one of the men to the other. "Wherever you're planning to go with whatever you're planning to do, I suggest you do it kind of now!"

[Snowfire]

I raise one eyebrow at Braun, my expression almost blank except for one side of my mouth, which twitches slightly. Oh, and the fact that my eyes are somewhat on fire. The running numbers on the side of my display blur slightly before blinking onto 1000 and vanishing. "Chairman, Directors, I believe this is my official statement of resignation. Thank you." I say calmly to the board, light shimmering around me as something flickers into existence through the room's formidable defences. A low hum fills the room, akin to that of a plugged in and active bass speaker. Then the room starts to blur, as does most of the entire plane as Hex, working through the TARDIS, manipulates the massive latent energy of this universe into forming a direct connection across the space-time-fiction matrix to a particular section of the internet.

There's a pause as the defences around the universe try to prevent anything coming down the newly formed connection before they're overwhelmed. Braun looks at me as the sudden hammer blow registers and I smirk.

"I don't think you've ever had to develop filters against this, have you?" I ask with a dangerous smile. "And I'll take back my earlier comment about keeping tabs on me. You probably should have." The first of the incoming appears with a surprised meow, the caption popping into existence at almost the same moment. "You never know, if you had you might have an idea of how to stop these." I shrug. "Then again, not even the people who made them really know how to stop them." My veil lengthens, spinning out through my illusions and looping around each of my advisors as Menolly snaps out of between beside me, homing on the image I sent her through HEX.

Menolly, back here. I send with a picture of the interior of the TARDIS as she lands on my shoulder. Her assent flashes through me and then we vanish between as several million Lolcats come crashing through the roof of the boardroom.

There's a long moment of cold nothingness as the fire lizard pulls us across the fabric of the plane and then we're back in the TARDIS. "Doctor, get us out of here. Icanhascheezburger.com won't hold them up for ever."

[jokester]

The Doctor goes into overdrive mode, punching in sequences on the TARDIS controls like the concept is going out of fashion. River politely but firmly drags him back by the shoulder mid-way through, and points him round to the other side. The Doctor bristles indignantly as she takes over, but eventually relents and moves to the other side of the console to work on something else.

And then the sum total of all unoccupied space in the TARDIS control room is suddenly filled with J.W. Braun &Co. Security.

"You're not our only contact, J'Seelie. We can get rid of spam pretty easily." They begin efficiently punching in the castigation sequence. There are far too many to stop.

"Wait - how did that work?" Xylia objects. "You can't fight LOLcats! They're too hilarious!"

"Different universe, different rules," the Doctor shouts. "Diversity runs on what's funny - this place runs on what's efficient - or it did."

The assembled security begin to stir uncomfortably.

"Castigation taking a while?" River asks sweetly. The security look around suspiciously.

"Thing about strands - or so my friends tell me; it's kind of their thing - is that they aren't just one-way," the Doctor grins, hitting another TARDIS control without looking. "You set up a link to Diversity and I can pull a little section of the universe through - if only I can crack your link-operating system."

He stops hitting buttons and skips down from the console, shouldering between security to make a space for himself.

"Great bit is, I don't even have to crack the system - you gave Xylia a nice little bit of technology - or magitech, if you must - which, being from this universe, knows how it works already. That bit of technology is currently connected to my TARDIS, along with a lot of other stuff including a rucksack and a possibly-dead cat. She's a clever little girl is the TARDIS, and compared to making a new link with a different universe as just happened, activating and reversing an existing one is child's play. As of right now, this little bit of the universe works under Diversity's rules instead of your own. I sure hope you managed to eject all of that website, because otherwise you may be about to get hit by a renewed wave of amusingly-captioned animals strengthened by a sudden stream of Rule of Funny."

The security eventually twig that their efficient castigation sequences don't work so well any more. However, they do still have the edge in terms of numbers.

"The spam ejectors will deal with it," one of them says confidently. "I shall send the order to turn them up to maximum."

"Oh I hoped you'd say that," River smiled. "It gives me the ability to do this."

She pulls a lever. A little message crops up on one of the TARDIS screens: 'Chameleon Circuit Online'.

"You fixed my chameleon circuit!" the Doctor objects, outraged. "Did I say you could fix my chameleon circuit?!"

The screen changes to show the TARDIS from the outside. The blue police box shimmers and turns into... a tin of Spam.

"I also told her we were inside a meat processing plant," River admits.

"Aw shoot," one of the security guys mutters.

The TARDIS is shoved forcibly out of the universe by the spam ejectors, hurtled down the nearest strand - that being the one the TARDIS and Hex just opened. The one that leads straight down to Diversity. To Fairyland. A land which gets magic pumped into it constantly from a source in the middle of it.

Joanna's had experience with stealing magic from sources she's not meant to get it from. It's not easy, but it's not all that hard.

She stands up straight again, screwing up her face in concentration. She starts to develop a glowy aura. River takes this as her cue to draw her gun and start shooting. The security people try to mob her - which involves taking their eyes of Joanna, who takes advantage of this. The physical forms of the security people simultaneously catch fire.

With a mild flurry of swear words, the security vanish.

Joanna's aura disappears. She shakes her head, and then vomits.

"That magic... bleugh... that is disgusting! How can you use that?" And then she falls back into Rory and Amy, and falls asleep.

Xylia, however, is more concerned with something the Doctor said earlier to answer her.

"Doctor... Hex isn't from the Lobby. I built him from lots of parts from all over the place."

"Really?" the Doctor frowns. "Oh. Then how did he get through their defences and master their rules? That's a bit -"

He gets no further because the TARDIS screens come online. The face of Kiara the secretary is clearly displayed.

"Hello, Xylia," she says, glancing over her shoulder. "If you're getting this, it means a couple of things - you got through the loopholes we managed to work into their defenses, and they haven't killed us all yet. Which is good. Anyway - I'm afraid, in case you hadn't figured, the company is going through a difficult period right now... not all of us are in agreement, as it were. 'Used' is such a dirty word, but we may have... made purpose of you as an agent in all this. Sorry about that. Anyway, I don't have much time here, but... look into Fiddler's Green."

The message ends abruptly. There is silence.

"Is it just me," demands Amy, "or is this whole thing getting more complicated every thing we do?"

[Snowfire]

"Why exactly are you surprised?" I ask, almost incredulous, whilst pulling my phone out of my bag again. "You travel with the Doctor, last I checked this just sort of happened." I flip the phone open. "Nonononono." I yelp, as the system tries to deactivate itself. I tap in a sequence and the it stabilises, just before the contacts list wipes. "Ok, come on," I mutter, connecting the phone to Hex. "Give me a signal...just give me a teeny tiny piece of signal...there!" I hit the call button and a freaky sort of almost-number swirls across the screen. Then the phone's ringing.

"Come on, come on, pick up." I mutter to myself. "Pick up, pick up, pick up..."

[jokester]

It rings for some time. The scene becomes increasingly awkward. Eventually, someone picks up.

"Xylia," notes a deep voice.
"Cobweb," Xylia replies.
"Is this really urgent? Only now is not a good time."

[Snowfire]

"Yes, it is really urgent." I reply. "Where are you? We need to talk."

[jokester]

"I can't tell you. I'm sorry. You've learned too much about me already." There is muffled shouting in the background. "A lot of people have learned too much about me. In fact you should probably run right now."

[Snowfire]

"I'm with someone who's somewhat of a master at running. Give me temporal and spatial coordinates and we should be able to get you out." I look at the Doctor and mouth "can't we?" to him.

[jokester]

The Doctor nods. Behind him, River mouths 'not if he's driving'.

"...a master at running? Can you put them on?"

[Snowfire]

"Hold a moment." I push the phone against my shoulder, muffling the speaker. "Doctor, it's Cobweb. He said he'd like to speak to you."

[jokester]

"Yes," agrees the Doctor, "I got that from the way you said 'Cobweb' when he answered." He takes the phone from you. "Hello, Cobweb. What's up?"

After a second or two, he moves back to the console and begins altering the controls with a look of concentration on his face, transferring the phone to his mouth so he can use both hands. The TARDIS grinds in protest.

"Easy girl," he soothes, his voice muffled through the phone. "I know, I know, the nasty universe keeps throwing stuff you don't understand at you. The sooner we fix things here, the sooner we can move back to our usual, non-magic universe and forget that all this ever happened."

The unmistakable roar of the TARDIS in flight starts up, albeit begrudgingly.

"Atta girl. Come on. Come on."

There is a sudden high-pitched whine and a bang, and every light on the TARDIS goes out at once.

"Damn!" the Doctor shouts, the phone dropping from his mouth. "Looks like the magic in this place disagrees with her even more than you, Jo. She'll be out for a while again. What is with that? Oh well, let's see if we made it."

He moves to the doors and throws them open. The familiar dark-haired form of Cobweb barrels inside, smacking into the Doctor and staggering to one side. The Doctor stumbles backwards. A huge blast of green fire shoots in from outside, catching the Doctor in the face and lifting him off his feet, hurling him backwards into the inactive TARDIS console. Amy screams his name and runs to him, leaving Joanna with Rory. River runs to the doors and slams them shut.

"What the hell is going on?" Rapunzel screams, finally snapping.

Cobweb stands in the middle of it all, panting. Then he looks up at Xylia.

"Hi," he says, with an almost-shrug. "Just so's you know, they killed your stove."

[Snowfire]

I blink a few times as my mind process what just happened before reacting.

"Blondy! If I remember correctly you can heal just about anything, right?" I ask quickly.

"Just about, b-" I point at the Doctor.

"Help him." She blinks and I force my fingers to unclench. "Look, I've seen what that fire can do. And if we lose him we don't have a chance."

As Rapunzel scrambles across the TARDIS to help the Doctor, I grab Cobweb and pull him away from the rest of the group. Then I slap him. Hard. "That's for manipulating my life the way you did. The only reason I'm not getting Blondy over there to hit you with her frying pan is because that manipulation is probably one of the reasons I'm currently alive. And she's currently a bit busy." I glare. "And truth be told, I'm still reserving judgement on the possibility."

"However," I continue, reigning in my anger for now, "I said we needed to talk. We do." I produce the letter of recommendation, pushing Cobweb down on to one of the seats at the side of the TARDIS. "I know what you did - although you know that somehow. And I'm pretty sure you know what I'm about to ask and I think you owe me the answers. How and why?"

[jokester]

Blondy wraps the Doctor's head in her hair and starts to sing. The hair begins to glow.

Cobweb puts his head in his hand.

"I can't tell you," he almost wails. "I never finished, and now there isn't time. They'll be here before you know it."

[Snowfire]

My sword-bracelet shimmers for a moment, almost going active as I visibly fight for control. Then I turn away.

"River, if you can't get us out of here, lock the TARDIS down as best you can." I snap. "If you need power, Hex should be able to supply it through these." I pull a handful of Skittles from my bag, dropping them into a port on the calculator's side. Then I return my attention to Cobweb. "Now, why exactly can't you tell me?" I ask softly. My tone is level, but only just. I want answers.

[jokester]

River takes Hex, turns him over a couple of times, chews her lip and moves towards the door.

Cobweb laughs. Hysterically. Like a madman. And then, just before Xylia decides to slap him again, he speaks:

"You tool!" he laughs. "You phenomenal moron! Don't you even realise who we're up against? They know everything you know! They hear everything you hear! I tried to fix that, but I never finished."

[Snowfire]

"Then tell me how to finish it." I snap at him, whilst pulling two of my hats out my bag and dropping one onto the head of the dark haired Fae before slipping the other into my veil, connecting it to the power flows. "I'd recognise the fire that hit the Doctor anywhere Cobweb, and whilst I'm almost certain she knows most of what I've done, there are ways to jam hive minds. If that's what you're worried about, you're currently wearing a device that's sole purpose is to do just that."

"Cobweb, I need to know what you were trying to do." I say, my tone gentler. "Now will you please help me."

[jokester]

"...I... you..." Cobweb takes a breath. He clearly doesn't trust the hats. "You can't finish it. It has to be done by someone else. But it's not something that can be done easily. I can try to do it; but I don't think I'd have the time before they got here and killed me. Not on my own."

[Snowfire]

I bite my lip in consternation and then sigh. "Cobweb, you have to realise how difficult it is to trust you at this point. Sure, your manipulations probably kept me alive. But they were still manipulations. So if you want help - at least from me - then I need more than-" Then what he said sinks in. "Wait. Are you saying you could try to finish whatever you've been trying to do from here?"

[jokester]

"Not all of it! And not in time!"

The entire TARDIS shakes violently, throwing both fairies to the floor. Cobweb uses magic to lift himself to his feet. He takes a deep breath.

"You don't want to trust me?" he asks, almost sarcastically. "Then don't. It doesn't matter. We're all dead anyway. Almost every single major world power wants to kill us right now. At least two of them are very close to doing it. I might as well just leave right now."

[Snowfire]

I pull myself up. "I have problems yes, but that doesn't mean I can't put them aside - at least for a little while." I say, grabbing Cobwebs wrist as I stand. "Just tell me this, will it help this world?"

[timesting]

My hat starts to vibrate.....

[jokester]

"What I'm trying to do?" Cobweb asks. "If it could only work, it'd reduce the probability of apocalypse in the immediate future from almost a hundred to virtually nothing. Does that count?"

[Snowfire]

"Then do it. Do it now." I say calmly. "And we'll do our best to keep you safe." I shrug. "Oh, and I would advise keeping that hat on if you can."

[jokester]

"I'm trying to. But I told you, I can't do it all from here. And there's no way I can do the main bit I could do from here while keeping this hat on."

[Snowfire]

"Then tell us where you need to go." I reply. "And I guess I'll discount that possibility." I remark to myself, shaking my head. "You can take the hat off whenever you want. It's not held on by anything."

[jokester]

"I don't know," Cobweb says, slowly and deliberately. "It's complicated. If I find myself ever able to tell you more, I will. And if you want me to do the one bit I can from here, then we both need to remove the hats."

[Snowfire]

"Fine." I swipe the cap off of Cobweb's head and raise mine off of my own head with the veil. "Do it."

I then move over to the Doctor and shake him slightly. "How's it going?" I ask Rapunzel.

[jokester]

The Doctor's eyes flicker open.

"Ouch," he comments. "What just happened?"

Xylia blinks and finds herself... inexplicably in the Moonlight Forest. Lord Peaseblossom is standing in front of her.

"Sorry, darling," he says, oddly politely. "We're going to need your body." He produces out of the air a sword that seems to be made from that green fire from earlier.

[Snowfire]

I cock my head at the Lord and then frown. "You know, it's rather impolite to just take control of someone like that." I say calmly, summoning my own armaments. Menolly, bring my bag to me please. Oh, and warn the Doctor first.