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Post by jokester on Apr 27, 2011 7:15:18 GMT
So let's go.
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Post by Professor H. Talhoffer on Apr 27, 2011 11:50:34 GMT
Just thought I'd point out, before anything gets posted, that this board isn't hidden...
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Post by jokester on Apr 27, 2011 20:26:16 GMT
I did ask you to fix that last time we had this problem...
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Post by jokester on Apr 27, 2011 20:27:27 GMT
For reference, he has now taken my advice and fixed the problem. So, where were we?
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Post by Snowfire on Apr 27, 2011 22:54:31 GMT
I tear my eyes away from the fiery destruction engulfing thousands - if not tens of thousands - of living beings and step quickly across the TARDIS to where Hex is before taping a sequence into his keypad. The smiling face flickers, the expression turning flat before changing to one that looks rather...dangerous. The sort of dangerous you'd associate with a mother whose child just got threatened. The number readout flickers again, shifting to 11497/16853.
I shoot the Manxome Foe a look and nod once before placing my hand over - but not touching - the silver 'hatch' that contains one half of my soul.
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Post by timesting on Apr 27, 2011 23:03:04 GMT
I get the odd sensation i should take off my fez and look inside i see the long blond hair of a girl i then remove the Stetson from Rory and place the two openings of the hats together. i start to shake the two like a cocktail shaker to the tune of la cucaracha and then set the opening of the Stetson to the signal of Life-in-Death (in hex). Take that .... bitch. The long blond hair and the body of a young girl carrying a frying pan singing 'when will my life begin'. when i here her it the ground of the other side of the Stetson she starts to sing 'healing incantation'. "This is for emphasis..... Bitch."
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Post by jokester on Apr 28, 2011 0:48:33 GMT
In a strange virtual world inside the calculator, part of Xylia begins to scream, unable to sense anything and in incredible pain, suddenly finding there is a solid iron frying pan inside her.
Blondy's hair begins to glow. The burning of that part of Xylia's essence reverses at the same rate as it occurs, negating further damage. Life-in-Death raises a virtual eyebrow.
The song and the power it controls spread out as she keeps singing, out into Hex, across the connection into the TARDIS. The words can clearly be heard across the Doctor's link.
"Heal what has been hurt," she lilts. "Change the Fates' design."
"Wait..." the Doctor says hesitantly, turning to raise an eyebrow at Temporis.
The white crack in the cosmos begins to shrink, its sides heaving together, pressing into each other, reality stitching itself back into one whole.
"What's it doing?" the redhead asks.
"Healing what has been hurt, I suppose," Life-in-Death answers, and somehow she manages to imply in those words that she is currently leaning on something, inspecting her nails casually. "That, or changing the Fates' design. You know, one of the two."
Soon enough, the entire crack is gone, Blondy's power amplified by the TARDIS and transmitted through it.
"So anyway," Life-in-Death continues. "I'm bored of this. And conveniently, there aren't any rules saying I even need to play dice when they aren't even from this reality..."
Blondy's song is cut off by a terrified scream.
The Doctor roars into Hex: "HEY!"
"What is it, Doctor-man?" Life-in-Death sighs. The screaming doesn't even stop.
"Rules just got written," the Doctor almost spits. "Joanna!" he yells, as Joanna comes running back to see what the hell is going on.
"...Doctor?"
"When we eventually get back to your universe, remind me to go back in time and advise your friends to send something else with you."
"...is that allowed?" Joanna asks, raising an eyebrow. She has, after all, seen every canon episode, and there's a lot of stuff in there about this...
"Like she said," the Doctor replies, reaching into Joanna's coat pocket without asking, "slightly different universe; slightly different rules."
He produces a memory stick from Joanna's pocket and plugs it into a port on the TARDIS console which may well have just appeared for that purpose. He hits a few more controls, and the TARDIS takes off.
"We should have enough energy for one short trip," he mutters.
"Uh... who or what was in that stick?" Joanna demands.
"Improved copy of the stuff your Professor friend used to get into a computer."
"Hojo?"
"Yep."
"So... you gave the TARDIS some sort of... computer-empathy-thing?"
"Something like that."
"So where are we landing?"
The Doctor smiles knowingly, and throws open the doors.
"OI!" he screams. Outside, there's a freaky glowy representation of... something. An environment made entirely of little strings of light, which are themselves made up of tiny little ones and zeros. These strings are all linked up to the two people in there - Life in Death, and a little hunched-up version of Xylia. Life-in-Death has her hand out, Blondy held by the throat, a bunch of little light strings snaking out from her wrist and forcing their way into Blondy's face.
Life-in-Death looks up as the Doctor raises his sonic screwdriver and aims it at those strands. They start to vibrate, and eventually explode into tiny numbers.
"I'm good with minds, this thing's good with computers," he states. "In here, you barely stand a chance."
Life-in-Death turns to him, pouting slightly. "Oh, Doctor-man, do you realise what you're up against? How much experience of fates worse than death do you have, exactly?"
There is silence.
And then Dr Song and Joanna simultaneously burst into uncontrollable laughter.
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Post by Snowfire on Apr 28, 2011 1:26:59 GMT
There's also the fact that this is my computer. I built this thing. I also programmed it. And I just told him the basics of what was going on in here. I grab Hex's 'body', tap in another sequence to tell him what's just happened and then step out of the TARDIS and raise my voice.
"Hex!"
A strange, humanoid shaped amalgam of light snaps into being beside me.
"Yes?"
"Doctor, you're good with minds," I gesture at the TARDIS, "that's good with computers," I then point at Hex, "and he is this computer." I shrug. "Thought it might help."
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Post by jokester on Apr 28, 2011 2:02:44 GMT
The Doctor smiles and nods.
"Everyone else: back into the TARDIS. Take the girl with you - and the pan, definitely take the pan. River, if this goes a little bit wrong, you might need to get her moving again somehow - you'll think of something. Mr... computer... fellow? You stay here with me."
When you get into the TARDIS, the Doctor and Life-in-Death continue to stare each other down, him disapproving, her amused.
"Mr Computer Fellow," he comments, jovially. "Consider this my instruction to activate reintegration." He leaps forwards to grab a bundle of light strands.
Xylia is suddenly hit by the feeling of new presences in her mind. The mild schizophrenia from before increases to almost unbearable levels - five or six minds, it seems, in one body, all hurtling into each other, merging. She hears - well, not hears exactly; thinks - her moral self's whimper, the gasp of said moral self's placeholder, the scream of her usual self, a terrified singing that presumably belongs to the Damned as it flees...
...and the cold, triumphant laughter of Life-in-Death, by far more powerful than the other voices, overtaking the others in volume and power, gaining more and more control...
...and then the polite voice of the Doctor: "So, Xylia. This world is your mind. By definition, whatever you think exists here. So. Who do you think would win a fight between me and our laughing blonde friend?"
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Post by Snowfire on Apr 28, 2011 2:10:45 GMT
Doctor, do I even need to-oh to hell with it. You. OF COURSE!
My entire mind focuses into that single thought. It's not hard. From experience, I have yet to meet a single thing that the Doctor can't win in a fight against. And considering other situational modifiers...yeah.
Life-in-Death doesn't stand a chance.
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Post by jokester on Apr 28, 2011 13:12:19 GMT
"Glad to hear it. Hold that thought."
There is the unmistakable mental sound of a person being Gibbs-slapped.
"Hey, crazy blonde laughing woman. Cut that out and give the fairy back her brain."
Xylia is overcome by an intense feeling of rage - but manages to still concentrate on the thought of how awesome the Doctor is.
"Yeah, not so big now, are we? You can't touch me, madam. Not in the mind of Xylia, anyway - and we are in the mind of Xylia. Hey, Xylia, can you still hear me? Whatever you do, don't think of a white bear. Hey, look at that! The psychologists were right."
Melded as her mind currently is with Life-in-Death's, Xylia can feel the woman's simmering ire - not only is he managing to resist her, he's not even paying her his full attention!
"Hey, hey, hey, calm down, madam. I'll get back to fighting you in a second. Right now I'm playing with the bear."
Life-in-Death screams, and then all at once severs all her links to Xylia's mind and exits. Pursued by a bear.
"...well, that was fun. Shame she didn't stick around to accidentally reveal her entire plan, it's nice when they do that. Anyway, could you inform your, um, manxome friend that I'd like to get out of here? I'm still wearing a hat if that helps."
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Post by Snowfire on Apr 28, 2011 14:55:22 GMT
I pull myself up off of the floor of the TARDIS, my mind clearer then it's been for, well, centuries and grab Hex's body off of the redhead who had caught it as I fell. "Sorry, need this." I half-stutter with a muffled groan, before keying in another sequence. "Names later, save Doctor now." A headset extends out of my veil as certain sections of it unlock, reopening the mental connection I used to share with Hex. I then turn to the Manxome Foe. "Ok, short version. The Doctor is currently stuck in my head, wearing a fez. Considering what you just did with blondy over there," I gesture at the incredibly long haired girl currently clutching a frying pan, "I'm pretty sure you could get him out of there." I flip over the stetson he's holding, being quite careful to avoid his iron shell.
Doctor, take off your hat and look up. There's a small pause and then I continue, very quietly. And thank you for helping me get my mind back.
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Post by jokester on Apr 30, 2011 14:25:37 GMT
"You're welcome. Although I will point out that, in less extreme circumstances, I would have been significantly more hesitant about forcing what were effectively two separate people by that point back together. So try not to do anything that thick again."
A hand reaches out of the stetson's opening and heaves upwards, turning into an arm.
"Hello, everybody! This might take a while, I'm not used to such confined methods of travel..."
Temporis grabs the arm and gives it one last heave, and then the stetson turns itself inside-out and spits the Doctor out onto the TARDIS floor. The stetson is now a fez. The Doctor's fez is now a stetson. No apparent reason is given for this.
"Well, that was a new experience. We should all try to get more of them; they stimulate the mind's little... experience... ing... bits." He waggles his fingers vaguely at his own temples, then hesitates and lowers his hands.
"Ok... now then, I don't know if anyone else noticed, but there's a planet on fire down there, and unless there's some sort of ultra-planetary fire department in this universe, the job of saving it probably falls to us. So; I need to know everything I can about this place and how it works so I can formulate a devastatingly intelligent plan. Joanna."
Joanna rolls her eyes and produces some sort of handheld computer device.
"The InfoDome database labels this place "SS&S," she says, reading off the screen. "Has a little to say about it - as per the usual, physics takes a backseat to... Funny, Cool, Drama, Fun... y'know, pretty much everything. It's pretty low-power, so I'm guessing probably one main work and maybe a couple of minor fanfics. Possible plans for a sequel at most... I'm losing you, aren't I?"
She gazes around the uniformly blank faces of her companions. The Doctor rolls his eyes.
"I'm with you," he replies. "Sort of. Continue."
"Right..." Joanna replies. "Anyway, the universe itself, as some of you are aware, was cordoned off by someone - someone bigshot; reaaally bigshot. Sourcey provides a note which even I don't fully understand, but it seems they're a step or two above Eternals, and a frighteningly small number of steps below Gamemasters. Either way, it took the combined effort of a whole bunch of people to get us in here - anyone know how we're getting out by the way? No? Just wondering. Anyway, this SS&S Universe is blue-stranded - sorry; that's ‘naturally joined outwith Strand Theory’... which, sorry, Strand Theory is... oh, never mind, basically, there are at least four universes we can get into without having to go through all that again. One of them's a place labelled 'Fiddler's Green'... and it's got a permanent portal open at planetarily-set co-ordinates. There’s another set-coordinate one rather cryptically labelled ‘backstage’. Then there's some sort of afterlife-y place with the suitably-pretentious title of 'Land of Shadows and Whispers'. Don't blame me, I didn't write this bit. And then there's one called the Rotten Sea which someone back home, and by someone I mean 'almost definitely the Sourceworlder' has circled and is trying to put forward as an 'un-universe'. We don't even know what those are yet."
She takes a breath.
"And then there are a few fragments of other universes mixed up in here - I had a little chat with the Bureau people, and I currently get yours" - she nods at the Doctor - "hers" - she nods at Blondy - "The one from DD&D - which, by the way, we believe to have been the last Game to be Mastered before certain entities got their hands on this place, and indeed that universe no longer exists, so that's gonna cause issues - some place noted down in my files as 'Half-Life' – I think I recall the Sourceworlder had a thing for that one as well - and a few others which are still being calibrated - but the only one of them whose co-ordinates I recognise at all looks uncomfortably close to Pac-man. And most of these still-calibrating ones seem to have broken through further down the crack, so they’re probably running around down on the planet somewhere.”
While she is saying all this, Temporis places the Stetson on his head and looks around for a moment. Then after a thought, he pulls the Stetson down to his feet - to an onlooker it merely looks like he has disappeared into the Stetson. Within a fraction of a second he pulls the Stetson back up to his head. This reveals himself and a mirror. He examines himself in the mirror, then places the mirror just far enough away to pull the hat back down over him while just missing the mirror. When he reveals himself this time he looks directly into the mirror and shakes his head at the reflection of a Manxome Foe wearing a long flowing Chinese silk dress with a Stetson on his head.
“No no no... definitely not.”
He pulls the hat down over his body again; this time when he reappears he is wearing an old, tattered, brown jacket with old-fashioned British trousers and a 9 foot long scarf.
“Who would want to dress like this?”
He rolls his eyes and re-enters the hat. When the hat is removed this time it reveals him adorned in an all-black suit with a long tail on the overcoat. Just hanging above one of the waistcoat pockets is a long gold chain that ends in the pocket. Joined to the chain is a separate silver chain which leads to a polished silver monocle. He looks himself up and down in the mirror.
“I like this, just not practical enough for the situation.”
He goes back into the hat one more time and when he lifts the hat it reveals him standing in a firing stance holding a slightly tattered gun.
“Look what I found... some person wearing an all-orange safety suit was carrying it... he said he worked for... black chaser? Black sensor? Black Demeter? Black commencer? Black... black... oh hell black something. He also told me if he didn't get this to his bosses they would fire him. It must be important... anyway I thought it a strange form of punishment to set your employees on fire if they made a mistake so I put him on a beach far away from his bosses on a nice little moon called Titan. I say beach but I don't know if it matters whether or not it is water or just a liquid like methane. So he will be safe there from his bosses. But i wonder what this thing does.” He takes the Stetson off to straighten it. As he goes to place it back on, a small potato falls out of the hat. He look at it, and then it starts to talk.
“Could some moron pick me up please?”
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Post by Snowfire on Apr 30, 2011 19:51:01 GMT
I'll try.
I listen as Joanna lists what she knows of this particular dimension before flipping my phone out of my bag and scrolling through the greatly expanded contacts list.
"No, no, no, no, definitely no, no, oh!" I cock my head, looking closely at the contact name before shaking my head. "No. No, no, no, no, no, n-wait. Hmmmm. That might work." I grab the talking potato off the floor and hold it up to eye level.
"Ok, slightly insane supercomputer currently implanted in a potato, yes?"
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Post by jokester on Apr 30, 2011 19:57:08 GMT
"Nooooo," the potato drawls. "I happen to be one of those edible tubers that can just talk anyway. And for the record, Aperture Science personell surveys showed that all surviving members found me perfectly within the bounds of expected sanity. You can't argue with the science."
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Post by timesting on Apr 30, 2011 20:18:55 GMT
"Actually i have once had an interesting argument with science through my hat."
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Post by Snowfire on Apr 30, 2011 20:28:10 GMT
"All...surviving...oh wait." I sigh heavily. "Aperture. Should have guessed." I tap a few buttons on the phone and a plane of shimmering blue light snaps out from the lens on the back. I sweep the plane over the potato and then sigh again. "All right then." I shake my head slightly. "If we get back to the Moon, I think there's someone you should meet." I say, before dropping the potato into a small box I had just pulled from my bag and sliding the lid mostly shut.
"Doctor, you said that she," I gesture at the TARDIS panel, "would have enough energy for one short trip. I'm guessing we've used that." I reach into my bag and pull out a handful of Skittles. "I believe I showed you what I could with these last time we met. Do you think they could be used to supply enough energy to get us down to the planet?"
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Post by jokester on Apr 30, 2011 21:15:49 GMT
The Doctor blows out his cheeks in thought.
"I'd have to rewire a few things..." he glances at the backpack hardwired into the console. "I'd have to rewire a few things more," he corrects himself. "But I can probably do that, because I'm clever, as you may have picked up by now. Plus, I understand Joanna has a little training in mashing bits of different... er... fictions together. In the meantime, however, there are a couple of other things that don't quite add up that some of us may be able to shed some light on. For example, I understand that the majority of your entire species, Xylia, has effectively evolved to have a moral compass that points pretty-much bang-on South, correct?"
"Effectively," Xylia mutters, a trifle darkly. "Slightly nicer ones turn up every so often nowadays, but on the whole -"
"Aha!" the Doctor exclaims from under the console where he has moved to point out a particular circuit to Joanna. "Evolution at work, right there - an entire species becoming progressively better at getting on with people, bit by little bit. Couple of problems with that theory: One - evolution doesn't work like that, it's a mindless force, it doesn't have a moral conscience. That, however, is me making the assumption that it works the same in this universe as it does in mine, which is probably not true since the laws of science are so far down this world's priority list, so, perhaps somehow evolution in this world does have a moral conscience, which begs the question of what that moral conscience has been doing up til now. And then, Problem Two - it's happening slowly; the majority of the fairy species is still roughly on a par with most of the things I spend my time fighting, however, the one fairy we know of in the entire universe who managed to get out of it and meet new people - most importantly, managed to meet me - happened to be one of the good ones. Comparatively. Possibly the only one around at this point - after all, if there are only just one or two appearing now then you may well have been evolution's first crack at the concept. The One Good Fairy. That's a hell of a coincidence, which might be okay in a universe like this, assuming the rules are just like that, but in my universe it simply wouldn't happen unless it meant something. Someone wanted the One Good Fairy to meet me - or else they wanted the fairy that would inevitably meet me to be good. And I want to know why."
He jumps out from beneath the console, trailing wires of various colours, hand some of them to Joanna and disappears around the other side of the console with the rest.
"Don't worry," Dr. Song reassures the increasingly-confused-looking other companions. "For once, I'm not sure where he's going with this either."
"Where I'm going, Dr Song," the Doctor announces from under his console, "is wherever my current line of thinking takes me, which may or may not be where I originally needed to go. So, Xylia! And you too, manxome fellow - wonderful word, by the way, 'manxome'. Met Lewis Carrol once, very nice man. Anyway, my point is, it's very possible - probable, I would say - that someone somewhere has been trying to ensure that this conversation eventually happened. I don't yet know who or why, but the prospect itself is not a great one because it implies that there are plans going on that I do not know about. So, I need to know anything you two know that might help me work out what's going on - anything unusual that you've noticed lately. More unusual than is usual for here, I mean."
"Are you telling me I'm inside a Xanatos Gambit again?" Joanna complains.
"I don't quite know what that means," the Doctor admits, "but yes. Probably."
"Is somebody going to get me out of here or tell me what's going on, or am I going to have to just sit here and see if I can ferment myself into a neurotoxin substitute?" demands the potato in the box.
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Post by Snowfire on Apr 30, 2011 21:28:26 GMT
I blink once. Then again. Then I facepalm. Twice. I look down at the potato, pull a single orange Skittle from the bunch in my hand and drop it into the box, allowing a small spark of magic to release and channel the energy inside of it. It starts floating around the potato. Whilst on fire. Humming the melody of this song. "I'll deal with you later." "Doctor, there are the people who gave me my phone. And kind of let me escape - at least some of the time - from this dimension. They kind of work out of a dedicated universe that they call the Lobby. Considering your...skills, I'm quite sure we could get there by following the link to them in my phone."
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Post by jokester on Apr 30, 2011 22:08:19 GMT
The Doctor peers out from under the console.
"Aha! That could be relevant. Somehow."
He leaps out again, snatches the phone and tosses it to Joanna.
"Wire that into the rest of the stuff," he says. Joanna gives him a mild glare.
"Fine."
"What is this inane luminescent singing orb you have seen fit to make orbit me?" the potato in the box interrupts. "It is incredibly bad company. And also suspiciously suspect science."
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Post by Snowfire on Apr 30, 2011 22:10:32 GMT
"Waitwaitwait!" I yelp, grabbing the phone out of the air before Joanna can catch and stripping out the 'sim card'. "Here." I hand the piece of engraved crystal to Joanna. "I would rather like to keep this intact."
I toss another Skittle into the potato's box, this one purple. It starts doing the same thing as the orange one.
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Post by jokester on Apr 30, 2011 22:59:13 GMT
Joanna rolls her eyes. "Fine. Again." She moves off, inspecting the crystal, pressing it to some sort of sensor on her mini-computer.
"Oh," comments the potato. "This one's purple. Well, that probably counts as originality. I'd put that on the review form, only I can't because I don't have one to hand and I'm inside a POTATO. Well, they do say 'When you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
She begins to sing along, in a surprisingly competent operatic soprano. Then, suddenly, she cuts out.
"I guess I was misinformed. Joining 'em doesn't make it any better. Well. I should have guessed. Human sayings have a tendency to be wrong. Because they are made by humans."
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Post by Snowfire on Apr 30, 2011 23:04:04 GMT
Green skittle is added.
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Post by jokester on Apr 30, 2011 23:07:45 GMT
"Sigh. Bored now. Do you do anything else? Or were you designed with a one-song repertoire?"
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Post by Snowfire on Apr 30, 2011 23:12:05 GMT
Yellow is added. The entire array of Skittles starts singing this now.
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Post by jokester on Apr 30, 2011 23:19:23 GMT
"Oh, well, that's different. You know, some people view fluency in multiple languages as a sign of intelligence. Some view it as a sign of not being smart enough to download translation software. And I am not a bambina, nor have I any intentions to stay away from scienza. But I wouldn't expect you to understand that. I doubt you even know what you're singing."
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Post by Snowfire on Apr 30, 2011 23:46:32 GMT
I shrug and drop the last colour in, red.
Four beams of light shoot out from each Skittle, forming a star of colour around the potato. The colour spreads out, sealing the potato in an energy field. I slide the top of the box shut and the energy field spreads out into the crystal, never coming near the potato. The potato computer is now totally isolated from its surroundings. Well, except for a small hole in the top of the box.
"Joanna, Doctor, how're you doing?"
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Post by timesting on Apr 30, 2011 23:58:06 GMT
Well while you lot were busy I went into my hat went back to the point Xylia closed the box I steal the potato and come back out of my hat. i hold the potato gently in my hand then walk over to the nearest Stetson and enter myself into it. after a couple of seconds I come out and announce. 'I have saved the man in the orange suet and placed him in a white room where the creepy potato works, she said she would keep him busy and she would keep him company. so I think I'll just leave them to it.'
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Post by jokester on May 1, 2011 21:00:40 GMT
"We think we've got it," the Doctor announces confidently. "No we don't," Joanna argues. "I think I've got it," the Doctor objects. "No you don't," Joanna insists. "You're just guessing." "Well, yeah, but when am I not?"
The Doctor seizes a lever on the console and pulls it. There is an abrupt judder.
"Right," Joanna nods. "Fairy girl! Toss me some skittles... and a pre-existing example of tech that uses them. Might want to use one you're not too attached to. Just, y'know, in case. This procedure is not entirely unknown to cause spontaneous relocation. Or fire. Sometimes it causes fire."
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Post by Snowfire on May 2, 2011 3:29:41 GMT
I catch Temporis's hand with an illusion clad one of mine, stopping him from taking the potato before I drop it into the box.
At Joanna's prompting I drop a small bunch of Skittles into one of my modified viewers, charge it enough so that the Skittles don't fall out, and then toss it across to Joanna.
"If there aren't enough in there, just ask for more."
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